I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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