There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
