he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
