Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
