3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
bring money and cleavage
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Randomize
