Betty ford says i'm here all night
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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