I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
