Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
