I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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