Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
