she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
