i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Randomize
