Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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