Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
