He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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