Sponge bath it is.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
