why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
