areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
