My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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