i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I don't think brook has ever known best
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
