there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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