haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
