What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
