"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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