I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
