I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
