you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
