Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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