I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
ttyl tear gas
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
