Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
