my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
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