i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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