Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
