i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
