it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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