I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
be right there i have to get my cape
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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