I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
