WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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