i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
