Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
There's always time for handjobs
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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