apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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