when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
