yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
