just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
