I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Randomize
