either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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