My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
