i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
