I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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