I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize
