Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
