....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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